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like I said

brooding

Jan. 18th, 2011 02:52 pm
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Classes started today, but I'm still hella bored. I was doing errands, and kept running into things reminding me how this is my last semester.

I went to the student union, and they were having the poster sale, and I just thought about how exciting that was, and thought about browsing some myself, but no, I need to save money.
At the registrar's office, I was asking which window to go to, and a dude directed me to one for graduation verification. Close, but not yet.
At the bookstore, I thought about picking up some notebooks to use in future semesters... but realized there won't be any.

Still don't have a job lined up, but I keep telling myself I'm going to move west when I graduate regardless. I will work wherever I can.

What will I do if I'm never hired by an engineering firm, though? That's supposed to be a degree with a future. Isn't that why I've stuck it out, pulling long hours?

I don't feel like I've wasted my last four years, but I don't feel like I have very much to offer even now.

But, then again, I've paid nothing but four years of my life. So if that ends up being what happens, just gotta roll with it, you know? :)

My schedule so far is pretty great. 14 hours of classes, only one on tuesday/thursday. Plenty of time to spend on researching.
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Reading articles like this only makes me depressed, thinking that no one on-line would take much interest at all. Ugh.
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The last month has been... nearly intolerable. I was pushed to do something, I failed at it, but here I am regardless.

I have a small bundle of other failures, but I think after this week, I will push them away and move on to new endeavors.

The new semester starts Monday. I'm apprehensive, of course. Also, I am anxious. I think I will see someone about that on Tuesday.

The last week in Georgia was a feverish attempt to make any sense of what I had been working on all summer. Saturday will be a feverish attempt to make any sense of that. Then it will be done.

We went to Minneapolis for a end of program retreat. The Science Museum was fun, and Dave and Buster's, and Mall of America, although officially, I did not go there.

It was kinda hard to leave my roommate at the airport, but perhaps harder for her to leave my grad mentor-- they developed a special relationship over the summer that I enjoyed vicariously and defended when necessary.

I packed up two months' worth of living in about five hours on a Saturday morning, then hung out with my friend azzie. Played some Shadow of the Colossus, listened to vinyl, ate ice cream. The next morning, we joined some other internet people at Krispy Kreme. I liked it a lot better fresh (no duh)

Then I drove for a million hours, and listened to a guy read me a book. It helped a lot.

At my parents' house, they gave me the couch in their trailer, and crammed themselves together on the bed. I worked for a week on the house, such as I did. We're hoping to be able to move back into it by Thanksgiving. They don't relish the idea of staying the winter out in their little camper.

They finally got their insurance check today (the fire was in May), so a lot of cares have been lifted from their shoulders.

Since they got the check, I will probably get a new car soon. It represents my share of inheritance from my grandparents' deaths. I will get a Nissan Altima, probably a '10, when the '11s come out. It will be blue.

My car, which my roommate nicknamed Jacy (for my license plate number), was not finished giving me trouble for the summer. As you may recollect, I had to replace the fuel pump while in Atlanta. Also, my battery died, and it had to be replaced as well. While driving from Pottsville, not from Atlanta, by all luck, my fuel gage stopped working. At first, I was afraid I had leaked an entire tank of gas on the interstate. After twenty anxious minutes' driving to find a gas station in backwoods Arkansas (have you ever seen a tax office offering electronic filing out of a small building that could be a shed, and doesn't seem it should have even seen a computer? What about an old fashioned gas pump where you pump your gas and the clerk takes your word on how much you purchased?), I determined that I still had my gas, therefore it must be the gage malfunctioning.

Check gages

Check gages

Check gages.

I've started a trip odometer, and when it gets to 100 miles, I'll refuel. I reckon 3/4 of a tank will take me that far, even driving in town. If not, well, I'll be in town, huh?

I was supposed to determine something to research this summer for my honors college requirements. I was so caught up with the stuff I was doing at georgia tech (no, I dont think it will suffice), I didn't think to think about it until a few weeks ago.

I guess I'm going to meet with someone tomorrow. I hope it will go well. I need it to go well.

I hope I will be able to talk next Tuesday, instead of crying uncontrollably and locking up.

I am in my home, with my cat. Some of my dear friends have left this town, but perhaps it holds a few more kindred spirits.
rubah: (Default)
to my last posts. Now, I can go back to feeling inadequate about my research gig. fuckdamn!

*le sigh*

Jul. 17th, 2009 12:13 pm
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I feel so messed up right now that it's ridiculous.
Read more... )
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Put itunes/winamp/etc on shuffle
20 (I did 21, sue me) first lines of songs compose a poem
the 21st (22nd) is the title of the poem.

You cannot quit me so quickly
Sit by my side, come as close as the air
She's so wonderful
A self-fulfilling prophecy of endless possibility
You're on your own my little nightmare, you cannot stay here
I'm stuck here in the middle of
Can't stop addicted to the shindig

O Green World.
The colors have built up in my mind.
Got woken in the night by a mystic golden light.
We might kiss
In the velvet darkness
Don't worry.
It's funny how your worst enemies always seem to
Là.

If you're alone and you need a friend
We skipped the light fandango.
What will you do when you get lonely?
I was born by the river in a little tent.
So lately, been wondering
Don't kid yourself
No one knows what it's like.
rubah: (Default)
Sometimes, I start to feel that I don't care about advances in the internet and computing because there's no one I care about who I can use them with.

What is the point of seeking out an IRC program that can handle passive DCC on weird networks if I have no one to dcc files to?

What does it matter if my IM program doesn't handle video if I don't video chat with anybody?

I think part of it is not actively seeking a romantic interest. Then that makes me wonder, why can't I have friends just for friends' sake?

(for friends reading this, let's internet hang out, irl hang out, whatever. Swap files, goof off.)

I feel so lonely a lot. The old dream of "I hope someone new moves to school this year! maybe we can be best friends" just never dies. Megan (#3 for anyone still keeping count) is the best I've had, but we live so far away now. What can you do?

I think I must be a terrible friend; distant, childish, never wants to do the same things for fun.

I've got this feeling that of all the people I've met at college, perhaps two would refrain from making up some plans, or feigning disinterest should I suggest some funtime activity-- a movie, etc. They would wonder to themselves 'wtf, who is this girl?' I imagine.

It's hard to think whether this is the old "no one ever likes my ideas, so I will hope someone else suggests it, because no one will agree if I am the one who proposes it", or just "they don't really consider me more than an acquaintence".

This is why I take a pink pill every night. The few ways I know to get to know people are otherwise inaccessible because I freeze up, unable to act, too afraid.

The contexts of my life are school and the internet. What else is there? Television? It's dumbtarded. Sports? With whom may I play?
You think that school and internet would be enough in such a large school, but it turns out they're not. Geekery can be hashed and rehashed, dissintegrated into a fine powder.
"Oh, you prefer Lost and X-Box Live over integrals? I guess we're not too similar after all. . ." No longer content to fake interest, there's plenty of other fish in the pond, aren't there?

Then where are they?

I write words to a generic audience, hoping that my new best friend is out there reading them.

x_X

Dec. 1st, 2008 09:11 am
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So someone decided Yocum needed a fire alarm at 3 this morning. . . I was almost asleep too.

Today

Oct. 6th, 2008 09:21 pm
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I wrote a song in linear this morning.

Shadows bloom,
I will rise again.
An inner quiet roiling,
The calm before the storm.
Shadows in their beds are blooming.
Heralding, they bloom for me.

The night, it creeps upon us,
Stealing breath by breath.
I will take my bounty.
I will give them death.


It's just so awesomely creepy. I like it.

I did some cad after lunch and just barely got enough done to turn in before going to Cal, but luckily all the things i left off were things we went over in class, so I know how to do them now:) Feel prettygood about this. I'm so happy I have autocad on my computer now. It's just so nice.

It rained today. Like hard. All afternoon. I got a pretty picture of the clouds coming back from cad though. *bluetooths it*


Oh yeah, I ordered 50 4x6s from shutterfly.com (completely free with a new registration!) and they came in today, so I'm pretty excited. They're so gorgeous. Well, some of them are cropped weird, and I don't know if I just picked the wrong picture (I mean I had twenty thousand pictures of the eiffel tower) or if the site is just dumb, but whatev. Free+most of them look good = win

anyways ^_^
rubah: (Default)
Because then I could take my laptop into the bathroom with impunity.



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH I hate statics :( It requires this basis in math which is pretty much "hey, remember everything you did in highschool algebra, geometry, and trig? And remember everything you skipped? Also all of that calculus too. You need that".

It's so frustrating!
rubah: (Default)
Warning: Descriptons must be appropriate, and contain English only. Any descriptions found to violate these rules (E.G. descriptions containing swears, descriptions in other languages, or descriptions containing HTML/bbCode) will result in that dragon's death, and possibly the burning of your scroll.
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Description:
"Hilarion is named for an Adept from Andre Norton's Witch World series. This Hilarion enjoys lying belly-flat on a cumulonimbus cloud to watch mortals flee from the driving rains. Perhaps, just perhaps, if you stayed to relish her watery gift she would enjoy your company . . . Just don't call her Hilary."
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* Reject: F - Wrong setting

Description Status: Awaiting Moderation
Description
"Dahaun is named for the Lady of the Green Silences from Andre Norton's Witch World series. This Dahaun has burrowed over an aquifer where she has used her vines to net and trap several species of blind fishes from the Abyssal depths of a far-off Sea. These fishes were carried inland through underground currents many centuries before and only the hardiest survived the change to fresh water. The stock is growing rather low, so Dahaun merely munches pensively on a specimen every fifty years or so, as a private treat. However, she remains confident another flood will renew her stock before too long."
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* Accept: 'fishes' should be 'fish' on both occasions.
* Reject: reference to an actual book
* Accept: Excellent
* Reject: F -Incorrect setting- Modern referencesf

Description Status: Awaiting Moderation
Description:
"Kaththea is named for a Sorceress in Andre Norton's Witch World series. This Kaththea has no witchly abilities whatsoever, but her companions do say her ability to arrange flowers is almost magical in itself. She spends time noting the effect of different herbs on her friends, and stacks "bouquets" in her corner of the Cave accordingly."

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* Abstain: Without this phrase (in Andre Norton's Witch World series), I like it.
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And on the "Description Guidelines":
Please note that descriptions do not have to be in-depth. The following is a perfectly acceptable description:
"Fromage, as a Cheese Dragon, was named after the French word for "Cheese." He is very paranoid and constantly fears that T.J.'s other dragons are plotting to eat him when he's not looking."

I can only hope the actual moderators are not so ridiculous.

I really need to stop doing anything with this site that has to do whatsoever with trying to interact with the insipid people who frequent it. This is getting pretty ridiculous! I mean people think EoFF has it bad with people having their heads up their asses, but that is some sort of miniscule fraction of this headupassery, I hope! I mean sheesh.
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there is such an awesome seeming fête going on so close, and I feel I can't go to it because there is no one I know who would go with me, or that I feel I can ask to accompany me.

Today

Jun. 11th, 2008 12:24 am
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wasn't very good, but then, I haven't had a lot of really good days lately. At least not wholly good ones.
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Darling, be rendered by me near;
Inside your domain so that I may
Integrate betwix those bounds--
Your lower lip
And the one above.

I want to find the underlying region of your soul within those curves.

I will seek you across the breadth of your abscissae to the nearby ordinates,
Derive the greatest pleasure
Merely by lying tangential to you.
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What is the appropriate way to mourn a mechanical device?

A few moments ago, I was thinking it would be cute to draw a christmas card on a couple of my characters, so I rambled from my warm bed to the cold night of the den to fetch my notebook, which was left in my scanner when I started working on a doll base a couple of days ago.

I lifted the notebook and found a disaster.


I'm sure many people would say its ridiculous to grieve or shed tears over something that's just a mesh of glass, plastic and electrons, but I am a child of the material and digital age. I am almost expected to bond with anything and everything I come across with, trees, books, computer parts.

And this HP scanjet was special. I earned half the money to buy it by doing physical labor all the way back in sixth grade; I chopped down a pen of cedar sprouts.

I remember going to staples and finding it, it cost about $130, about what the camera did that took this picture.

I brought it home; I'm pretty sure it was a sunday afternoon; I opened it up in the living room first and pulled out the huge foldout pictures-for-dummies instructions that HP loved that year (anyone get an hp pavilion in 2001? you remember what I mean)

Slowly I carried it to the den to plug into my computer (the ast adventure! 400. those hp pavilions wouldn't come out until xp did in october). It had a parallel and usb connection, which was important because windows 95 didn't support usb and we didn't have a port for it anyways.

The first time it ran it was so loud! GROWNGROWNGROWNGROWN and since it was parallel, it took forever to scan. But I scanned all the harry potter fan art I'd been drawing that year and knew what it was like to be able to color my own pictures. I had a scanner. Not many people did back then, and still many don't today.

When we got the hp pavilion, the AA!400 got moved to my bedroom, and the scanner went with it since the install software didn't work in XP, so I assumed I couldn't scan anything with that computer. The quality of those old scans then was so terrible xD Never do image adjustments in the hardware stage, kids.

When my brother showed me the love that was windows camera and fax wizard, the scanner resumed its rightful place in the den at the foot of the desktop desk. And it scanned and scanned and scanned. Little samples of handwriting, random objects, and even faces went next to that glass, and now its shattered. I guess it could only live as long as we had usb1 and xp (I never got to try it on vista. My macbook refused to talk to it)

I have my new scanner in my dorm at school. I didn't bring it with me because I had enough junk to lug back here and I figured I still had a good scanner that had several years left in it (does it still?) So no more scanning things until January 10th. (I took my sketchbook back with me out of the den, although it seems futile now).

I dont know what broke it. Common sense and instinct both point towards my nephews that were here thursday night and this afternoon both and are so rambunctious. Legality states it could've easily been my dog as well, but logic states that a dog, even jumping rowdy wouldn't have the weight of even the youngest nephew, plus it would've been half as much anyways, given the number of legs.

I guess I'm making this post mostly because I have this intense desire to TALK about my emotions, look for sympathy, anything, something. My parents are asleep and so is stu, and most anyone who would read this, but I can't wait the hours until morning to get this out.

Something that's also hard to deal with is the idea 'is it maybe still usable?' I noticed the irony pretty quickly that the green power light and the little lcd asking how many copies I wanted to print were still on. what a faithful beast. I don't think the moving mechanism or the lights are broken, but I'd have to clean the glass up first. There's tape on the corners of the glass. Did you know that?

Every so often as I would look inside, I would wonder about the quiet airless world where the light lived and I could never go. Now I can. I picked up the three large pieces that had fallen inside and set them on top of the rest, and tugged at the large piece in the corner that was still taped up, but I don't want to mess with the scene too much (first reason why I took a picture actually).

The cover isn't damaged at all. My sketchbook has some weird green dots(old crayon caked on, no doubt) and a small tear on the page and little slivers of glass.

It would be ridiculous to enfold the thing in my arms, and yet I feel guilty for shutting the door and turning the light out on it. That is no fit mausoleum.

I guess tomorrow will have a phone call to ask if any of my nephews stepped on something they want to tell their aunt allie about, delicate glass removals, and either a tearful goodbye or a lip-biting operation. I don't know. But thank you for reading this demieulogy.

O scanjet!
rubah: (Default)
It's so pathetic that personal failure is still success by pretty much everyone else's standards.

makes it hard to get any sympathy for one!
rubah: (Default)
aw dangit.

Kids, don't let your li-ion batteries sit for a month without charging them. You might find your laptop thinking it doesn't have a battery in!

(it's funny because teh battery obviously has charge, because it has a green light glowing on it x.x; How does that work, I wonder? Anyways, I'm glad my mom made me get a spare, so I'll use that now. I wish I had figured this out BEFORE the day before my parents and I leave on a little two night trip into the dense mountains of arkansas!)

but yeah. I guess I should've known. Or at least turned the thing off instead of letting it slumber towards its doom xD (i seriously haven't used it since stu left)

but yeah, guess I get to call applecare again!
rubah: (Default)
What's the good in being smart and talented and pretty and funny when most people don't care one thing about it?

Oh, people, if you ever read or used to read HP fanfic, please recommend some stuff, thank you!
rubah: (Default)
either I had the worst day possible without anything bad actually happening, residual stress is exiting me (what did trisha say in physics today? "pain is weakness leaving the body" or something?), or I'm freaking hormonal!

Had a massive crying fit, and stu was all :( wanting me to tell him what he could do to make me feel better, but there isn't really anything, but when he can kiss and hug me tomorrow night, I should be okay!

NWA didn't send me 'lol confirm your flight!' email. I'm kinda disappointed. Did it anyways because I am cool.

I watched The Pirates of Silicon Valley since it was on google video the other day linked from digg, lol pirating. It's pretty fantastic. I spent most of the time just oogling the actor playing steve jobs ;o ([livejournal.com profile] claudiall, I'm still grateful for you sharing that incredibly hot picture of him from the 80s holding the apple ;o )

I kinda wish my preacher would've emailled me with that community scholarship letter I asked him to write :| the thing isn't due until monday, but I won't be home until that night when it's too late:( I guess maybe it slipped his mind or he had something come up, and I guess I don't need it so much as the rest of the people at school, but I feel like it's a missed opportunity :|

that was one thing that set me off crying this evening.

Another was that I couldn't find this little invitation for the honors picnic we're supposed to turn in by tomorrow. I guess I"ll just have mom sign a note saying whatever I can go.

Also my parents told me they're selling the cattle :| This one really made me cry. We've always had 20-30 head of cattle ever since I can remember, and even though I haven't really been involved with him in years, I always kinda thought of their presence as something kinda static you know? Something that wouldn't change, and gosh I'm starting to tear up again just thinking about it xD But between that and thinking about how in a couple of weeks I won't ever be going back to Pottsville Schools for schooling just makes me so sad and so scared, I mean, I know stuff is supposed to change when you graduate and go off to college, but how come it has to be so much?

Mom and dad mowed a swatch through this little jungly island in the middle of the west yard. In fact this section of growth is why we don't really have a west yard. ever since we moved into the house, it's always been something you didn't want to walk through unless you had long pants and good shoes on, snakes sawbriars, rocks etc. Besides it's not that big so it's not a hassle to go around it.

But it's something they're changing, and mom was talking about cutting down the evergreen bushes that are over by the walnut tree by the road and the mimosa tree that's there, and dangit I like mimosa trees:| they have the prettiest pink blossoms and little palm-frondy leaves :| and mom was like 'oh when this is yours you can let as many mimosas grow as you want' but it's being changed NOW

I just get this creepy thought that I'll come home from college some time and I won't recognize the place and it scares me so bad.

When I was little and we first moved here from the trailor I hated it and wanted to go back (I was like three or four xD) but now I don't want a single thing to change. People have built almost a dozen houses on our road in the last couple of years, tearing down all these great big swatches of trees to make room for houses, there's three that are in construction or beginning construction right now actually. My road is a mile long! and the one that stems off of it (both are dead end so they kinda count as the same) isn't even that much.

40 acres isn't much, and divided into three between my sister and brother and me it's less, but every time I see those freaking ruts in the earth where they've bulldozed all the cedar trees down, I am disgusted and resolve to myself to have a paradise set away from everything else where you can't see progress for the trees.

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Allison

January 2017

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