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rubahI feel so messed up right now that it's ridiculous.
I keep feeling like I have no control over what I do anymore. I've always had a hard time buckling down to study, do HW, make myself do things I know needed to be done, but for some reason, it's especially bad now. I suppose it might be because I'm getting tired of school and need a break (still have three weeks to go :/) but whatever it is, it has got to stop.
My efforts lately have dwindled down to the bare minimum, I feel. It's almost all I can do to wake up in the morning. When I did laundry a week ago, I was so uninspired, that I let them sit in the clothes basket until Tuesday before I put them up. That morning, i actually picked the basket up off the dryer and moved it into the kitchen, and just didn't continue on to the bedroom. wtf is that all about?
Things get knocked to the floor, and I just don't pick them up. I think 'oh, I should clean up' but no.
Even eating has taken on less significance. I didn't make a lunch on whatever day this week. Thank god Teng invited me to dinner at his house, else who knows what I would've eaten on wednesday night!
Obviously if my home life is in such disrepair, my academic life can't be much better. Somehow I'm managing to stay on top of my hw and stuff for Mechanics of Materials, but Advanced Comp is just kicking my ass. We have all these intermediate deadlines intended to make the process of writing easier and more managable, but I haven't hit a single one of them. Today was the worst, though, for two reasons: i) completely forgot my [incomplete] workshop draft on workshop day, yay now I can't get any outside critique from peers; ii) got my last paper back. Has a big pencilled in (R) for "revise".
I definitely saw that coming, but it still completely shattered my self-esteem. My instructor spent like five minutes talking about how R is NOT a C, D, or F, and I understand that, but it's still a failure on my part. I had a feeling before I even looked that it would be there.
About the only thing I have going for me right now is getting dressed in the morning and having stu to talk to. And my tan. What a worthless load of shit. (except stu)
I scheduled an appointment to talk to a psychologist today. I know academically that it wasn't my fault; their website was 'under construction' so it was a mistake anyone could make, but the doctor there was the kind that helps people by prescribing them medications, rather than talking. I realized pretty early that something was wrong when I was talking to her; the questions didn't seem relevant and she kinda looked at me agape, but she gave me cards for a couple of others to try, and didn't charge me, so. . . I just felt like such a fucking dumb-ass. I still feel like a dumb-ass. I am a dumb-ass, really.
Anyways, I wish I had more people to turn to right now. There's a few of you guys on here, but there's no one IRL. I don't even really need to talk, I just want some comfort. Like I saw a cat in someone's back yard when I was walking back from adv comp in tears, and i stopped for a few minutes trying to entice it to come over just so I could hug it and feel better.
FML.
I keep feeling like I have no control over what I do anymore. I've always had a hard time buckling down to study, do HW, make myself do things I know needed to be done, but for some reason, it's especially bad now. I suppose it might be because I'm getting tired of school and need a break (still have three weeks to go :/) but whatever it is, it has got to stop.
My efforts lately have dwindled down to the bare minimum, I feel. It's almost all I can do to wake up in the morning. When I did laundry a week ago, I was so uninspired, that I let them sit in the clothes basket until Tuesday before I put them up. That morning, i actually picked the basket up off the dryer and moved it into the kitchen, and just didn't continue on to the bedroom. wtf is that all about?
Things get knocked to the floor, and I just don't pick them up. I think 'oh, I should clean up' but no.
Even eating has taken on less significance. I didn't make a lunch on whatever day this week. Thank god Teng invited me to dinner at his house, else who knows what I would've eaten on wednesday night!
Obviously if my home life is in such disrepair, my academic life can't be much better. Somehow I'm managing to stay on top of my hw and stuff for Mechanics of Materials, but Advanced Comp is just kicking my ass. We have all these intermediate deadlines intended to make the process of writing easier and more managable, but I haven't hit a single one of them. Today was the worst, though, for two reasons: i) completely forgot my [incomplete] workshop draft on workshop day, yay now I can't get any outside critique from peers; ii) got my last paper back. Has a big pencilled in (R) for "revise".
I definitely saw that coming, but it still completely shattered my self-esteem. My instructor spent like five minutes talking about how R is NOT a C, D, or F, and I understand that, but it's still a failure on my part. I had a feeling before I even looked that it would be there.
About the only thing I have going for me right now is getting dressed in the morning and having stu to talk to. And my tan. What a worthless load of shit. (except stu)
I scheduled an appointment to talk to a psychologist today. I know academically that it wasn't my fault; their website was 'under construction' so it was a mistake anyone could make, but the doctor there was the kind that helps people by prescribing them medications, rather than talking. I realized pretty early that something was wrong when I was talking to her; the questions didn't seem relevant and she kinda looked at me agape, but she gave me cards for a couple of others to try, and didn't charge me, so. . . I just felt like such a fucking dumb-ass. I still feel like a dumb-ass. I am a dumb-ass, really.
Anyways, I wish I had more people to turn to right now. There's a few of you guys on here, but there's no one IRL. I don't even really need to talk, I just want some comfort. Like I saw a cat in someone's back yard when I was walking back from adv comp in tears, and i stopped for a few minutes trying to entice it to come over just so I could hug it and feel better.
FML.
