(no subject)
Feb. 3rd, 2003 07:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rubah*mehs*
Shall rant. Turn back now if you wish.
I hate being second. It seems like nowadays, all I am is second. And how good is that when first isn't all the great anyways? I mean, I *know* I can do stuff good, but it doesn't seem like it's good enough. I'm used to being able to do something and it being good. Or at least, good enough.
At the school's open house at the beginning of this year, one of my band directors said that I could do anything I wanted, seriously. But I'm starting to wonder if what I've put forth now isn't enough?
I mean, today, I got second in the art contest for eighth grade. And I can't rag on the guy who got first, 'cause he's John, a part of our group, and one of the guys I joke around with often. I mean, his is good yeah, but it doesn't seem like it got anything other than for the reason it was *striking* An old man, with evil eyes, and the top of his head bald, as a monk's, throwing a bolt of lightning. You've probably seen the like. And mine was the one you probably have seen already: self-portrait, dotted sixteenth note girl, Serj Tankian, Runes, and the faerie at sunset. I mean, I think I did *Good* with those crayons. They were the only media I really had access too, seeing as it never occurs to my *thick* head to ask for anything... Best not be beholden and all.. But still! Working hard with those crayons, those 96 crayons, testing the textures and shadings on other papers, staring at reference pictures, working, reworking, adding more lead to Serj, smoothing down the wax on the other three parts. And still, I'm second.
And what makes it worse is that the same thing happened last year.
I started drawing on a piece of paper, just three floating heads at first, then adding bodies, shading, and stuff. A daffodil in tux!harry's hand, Ron's sax... Then, on advice, adding a background of the moon, inky blackness behind and the earth behind. Craters, w00. And you know what I was second to that year? Last year? A piece of paper. With other pieces of paper glued to it. In the shape of a basketball court.
Yeah sure, guy from Lousiana or whatever came and judged, and thought Zach's use of media very creative, but did he get anything at Little Rock? No. But I delude myself, it's not really like I would've either... But at least in sixth grade, my horribly crappy picture of the people outside Hogwarts actually *went*. I guess I'm just either jealous still, or angry or what...
But then, there's other things I'm second at. Like music. Going to all-region, expecting the worst, as last year, and then actually *making* it. I mean, 251 points out of 300, that's *good*. But despite it having come and gone and being wonderful, I'm still plagued by this sneaking suspicion that I have no real talent. That everything I've ever gotten up to this part is from no skill of my own, but just determination and ingenuity on my part, and just lack of effort on everyone else's. There are always people there that actually have *talent* dangit.
And all I've got is my mediocrity.
But screw me if I won't keep trying. I can't quit. My ego, pride, subconscious won't let me. Too stubborn to give up, I'll either have to try harder, strive, screw things that aren't important (not math and school though, I've been letting my grades slip too much. Heck, they're still in high nineties (except for band, I think>.<) but that's way too many points than I'm willing to let go. Nevertheless, I'll be hecka glad when next year comes and I can be *out* of Mrs. Stewart's class. She feels manipulative.. She'll let our class get the best of her one day, and then, the next she'll be doing or lecturing and does something so subtly I'm sure the rest of the class doesn't catch it.. She's got enough years to do it though, over 50 and still teaching. Her son is a freaking year older than me... At least she doesn't talk about her husbands and kids now like she did last year.. And I'm rather glad I don't have Mrs. Hull at all this year. I doubt anyone really likes her, just brown noses and pretends. Even Jennifer who would've been the only one I thought liked her last year talked bad about her last week. And then, I did that last year fourth hour (which is ironically, the hour I have Mrs. Stewart this year..) where I defied her, bull crapped around about whatever.. I can't remember now.. Darn my empathy. I couldn't hate her after that, so I stood out the rest of the school year in neutrality, and this year it was the same until Brittany wrote me that note last week. Said Bryanna had said something she'd read to the class was written by me, and I suppose Mrs. Hull had gotten mad and said "she's not even *in* my class. And there's many more smart kids in this school, and they don't go around saying how smart they are." Screw her. When I talk about how smart I may or may not be I have no idea. It seems to me like I'll make one intelligent remark about something that has a couple of biggish words, and the rest of the people will be all wowed or whatever. *sighs* They're the ones that infer that whenever something the slightest bit intellgent reaches our school that I have to be behind it somewhere. I bet there's lots of you out there reading this (meh, who would read *this*?) that have the same things happen to you>.<)
Meh.
Shall rant. Turn back now if you wish.
I hate being second. It seems like nowadays, all I am is second. And how good is that when first isn't all the great anyways? I mean, I *know* I can do stuff good, but it doesn't seem like it's good enough. I'm used to being able to do something and it being good. Or at least, good enough.
At the school's open house at the beginning of this year, one of my band directors said that I could do anything I wanted, seriously. But I'm starting to wonder if what I've put forth now isn't enough?
I mean, today, I got second in the art contest for eighth grade. And I can't rag on the guy who got first, 'cause he's John, a part of our group, and one of the guys I joke around with often. I mean, his is good yeah, but it doesn't seem like it got anything other than for the reason it was *striking* An old man, with evil eyes, and the top of his head bald, as a monk's, throwing a bolt of lightning. You've probably seen the like. And mine was the one you probably have seen already: self-portrait, dotted sixteenth note girl, Serj Tankian, Runes, and the faerie at sunset. I mean, I think I did *Good* with those crayons. They were the only media I really had access too, seeing as it never occurs to my *thick* head to ask for anything... Best not be beholden and all.. But still! Working hard with those crayons, those 96 crayons, testing the textures and shadings on other papers, staring at reference pictures, working, reworking, adding more lead to Serj, smoothing down the wax on the other three parts. And still, I'm second.
And what makes it worse is that the same thing happened last year.
I started drawing on a piece of paper, just three floating heads at first, then adding bodies, shading, and stuff. A daffodil in tux!harry's hand, Ron's sax... Then, on advice, adding a background of the moon, inky blackness behind and the earth behind. Craters, w00. And you know what I was second to that year? Last year? A piece of paper. With other pieces of paper glued to it. In the shape of a basketball court.
Yeah sure, guy from Lousiana or whatever came and judged, and thought Zach's use of media very creative, but did he get anything at Little Rock? No. But I delude myself, it's not really like I would've either... But at least in sixth grade, my horribly crappy picture of the people outside Hogwarts actually *went*. I guess I'm just either jealous still, or angry or what...
But then, there's other things I'm second at. Like music. Going to all-region, expecting the worst, as last year, and then actually *making* it. I mean, 251 points out of 300, that's *good*. But despite it having come and gone and being wonderful, I'm still plagued by this sneaking suspicion that I have no real talent. That everything I've ever gotten up to this part is from no skill of my own, but just determination and ingenuity on my part, and just lack of effort on everyone else's. There are always people there that actually have *talent* dangit.
And all I've got is my mediocrity.
But screw me if I won't keep trying. I can't quit. My ego, pride, subconscious won't let me. Too stubborn to give up, I'll either have to try harder, strive, screw things that aren't important (not math and school though, I've been letting my grades slip too much. Heck, they're still in high nineties (except for band, I think>.<) but that's way too many points than I'm willing to let go. Nevertheless, I'll be hecka glad when next year comes and I can be *out* of Mrs. Stewart's class. She feels manipulative.. She'll let our class get the best of her one day, and then, the next she'll be doing or lecturing and does something so subtly I'm sure the rest of the class doesn't catch it.. She's got enough years to do it though, over 50 and still teaching. Her son is a freaking year older than me... At least she doesn't talk about her husbands and kids now like she did last year.. And I'm rather glad I don't have Mrs. Hull at all this year. I doubt anyone really likes her, just brown noses and pretends. Even Jennifer who would've been the only one I thought liked her last year talked bad about her last week. And then, I did that last year fourth hour (which is ironically, the hour I have Mrs. Stewart this year..) where I defied her, bull crapped around about whatever.. I can't remember now.. Darn my empathy. I couldn't hate her after that, so I stood out the rest of the school year in neutrality, and this year it was the same until Brittany wrote me that note last week. Said Bryanna had said something she'd read to the class was written by me, and I suppose Mrs. Hull had gotten mad and said "she's not even *in* my class. And there's many more smart kids in this school, and they don't go around saying how smart they are." Screw her. When I talk about how smart I may or may not be I have no idea. It seems to me like I'll make one intelligent remark about something that has a couple of biggish words, and the rest of the people will be all wowed or whatever. *sighs* They're the ones that infer that whenever something the slightest bit intellgent reaches our school that I have to be behind it somewhere. I bet there's lots of you out there reading this (meh, who would read *this*?) that have the same things happen to you>.<)
Meh.
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no subject
Date: 2003-02-04 02:37 pm (UTC)excuse me? i still love you! *hugs*