(no subject)

[rubah]

I forgot about this email that medif wrote after she came to my house back three years ago (almost exactly)

Dear io,

As you probably already know, I got back today from allie’s house. Yeah, I did try to call you this morning, about one AM your time, I think. Someone answered and said hello, but I got scared and hung up. I’m such an idiot. I left a message for you last night – Saturday night – at about 10-11 AM your time. But, of course, I had no idea what the voice mail message-thingy said, so I could’ve left a message for some random person out there somewhere.

I’m going to type in here what I wrote last night in my hotel, and what I wrote on the plane coming back today. I wanted to mail it to you, or at least tell you on the phone, but having a whole day between my quick knee-jerk reaction makes me realize that you probably already know a lot of it, and it’s *me* who is just now understanding.

~~~~~~ begin paste ~~~~~~

August 31, 2002. Little Rock, Arkansas. 10:13 P.M.


Dear io:


** Disclaimer: parts of this may not make much sense. I want to say a lot of this to you, but a lot of it is for me, too.


I met allie today. Those four words may not look like much, but for me they hold, right now, as much meaning as: “I love you.” Or, “she killed herself.” Or, “I want a divorce.” I. Met. Allie. Today.


My god, io. She’s heaven. She’s heaven in a form, tangible and beautiful, an angel in the midst of the Arkie scrublands and cheap hotels. And she hugged ME, she grabbed me and she wouldn’t let go and I thought – holy shit. Am I actually worth this?


Your pictures are under her pillow … and yet … I warrant a page in her little violet address book?


9 AM. Memphis, Tennessee to Indianapolis, Indiana. September 1, 2002.


Part of me wants to call io, tell him I’m so fucking sorry, tell him I’m leaving, tell him what allie’s hair smells like, tell him how she jumps and hops around the house, how my thighs felt around her hips, how tiny she is .. but she’s taller even than me. How she played with my hair, how she suddenly hugged me when I said how cute *you* are, and how very lucky. How huge her eyes are, and how she tucks her feet up under her. How even her baby pictures are beautiful, a little naked allie with the same beautiful eyes. How her mom stroked her hair and hugged her. Her voice. God, I wish I could bottle it up. Tell him not to ever let go of her, not for anything. He probably already knows. In fact, I’m sure he already knows .. but I didn’t, and now I am pretty fucking amazed. When I looked at her, I thought – what io would think, sitting here next to her, listening to that INCREDIBLE Arkansas accent, that gentle lilt (she really does say ‘cheshah’) and turning that million-megawatt smile on him.


I dunno, you’ve probably heard her voice, that slight slurring. Cheshah. It actually sounds like that. I already want to go back, but as a different person. This meredith doesn’t belong there.


I read this now and realize that it sounds like I am the one in love with her, like I’m writing a love letter to allie, not writing you. I don’t know exactly what it is, this amazement, this feeling that is not love, but awe. Realization of something more than her, something more than me, something that I’ve been hiding for too long. It’s based on so many factors, past experiences. It comes from when I first came to MH, it comes from my insecurities, it comes from everything I want to be and that I believe I can’t be. It comes from nearly idolizing allie, it comes from realizing that, if I were anyone different – and perhaps even if I weren’t – I’d be so in love with her that she couldn’t make me leave.


~~~~~~~ End paste ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


this is all I have for now. I want to leave, I don’t ever want to come back. I realize that most of this rambling makes no sense – like, well, why am I so upset about it? What’s the big deal?


That’s the part yet to be decided. Thank you for being my friend, io.


Yours,

zei


I really don't know. I wish medif would be online once in a while, but like most of the MHers, I dunno what I would say if she was. Three years ago seems like such an awfully long time ago now. Instead of being a junior, I was just an eighth grader (strange, because eighth grade was one of the best years ever. And I've been wondering the last couple of years if I might not be going in a three year cycle. Sixth grade and ninth grade both sorta sucked, seventh and tenth were pretty cool. But eighth grade was awesome. Does that mean that 11th will be also?) Before I ever performed at half time, made all region band, went to church camp, drove a vehicle, played final fantasy X(or any of them apart from 5), started loving languages, before bst, and eoff, before asking for forgiveness of my sins. . .

It's like a whole other world, really.

It seems to me that the changes have been pretty good. I'm not sure that I would want any of them to be undone, because I am rather happy with the way things are right now. Of course, it might just be precariously balanced, and I sorta have a lurking worry in the back of my mind, but it does not seem *important*

I guess it's just growing up.

And I like it.

but is there anyone that would describe this as "heaven"?

Meredith, if you read this, the banana trees aren't quite as tall as they should be-- a lot of them died this winter, but they're still pretty tall, even if they barely peep out of the four'o'clocks ;)

Comments

[king-bahamut.livejournal.com]

Wow.